Cheat Sheet: How to tell you'll lose your doubles game

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Any sport carries with it the risk of defeat. A doubles game in tennis is no different. There are times when the blow of loss comes unheralded, and then it is too much to bear. So here's a five-point guide to prepare for the inevitable. Wherever possible, an attempt has been made to suggest an aggravated situation, which if occurs, would make the merely probable almost certain.

You will most likely lose if:

1. Your partner intends to dish out that high kick second serve but each time the ball lobs splendidly over the wall and into yonder big tree. Unseen little hands throw it back to the accompaniment of yelps of delight. You're really staring at defeat when the owners of the little hands learn to expect what's coming and perch themselves on the wall to catch the yellow blob.

2. Your partner serves smack into your lower back or further below, calling to mind the caning you received in class 4. Things take a turn for the worse on persistent caning as aforesaid because then you stop facing the people across the net. Instead you stand outside the tramlines warily eyeing your mate's serve, hoping to run in from the side just in time to block the return.

3. Your partner finds the game in the next court riveting. A mild form of this condition is when you catch him stare dreamily at court number 3, evidently wishing he were there, even if only as a moth in the net. A more virulent strain is noticed when he lustily cheers the blokes on court number 3 while you're scrambling to retrieve what was really his ball.

4. Your partner turns up after imbibing. You know this has happened when he returns faults with ferocity or giggles as he runs to reach a drop. This 'spirited' state of things can also result in astigmatism and other ophthalmic disorders, thanks to the bubbles inside rising up to fog the goggles or what lies behind them.

5. Your partner insists on practising that agrarian manoeuvre seen during harvest time in rural India. He tries to get a ferocious spin on the ball by scything it into the ground. The problem here is that the ground is on your side of the net. The silver lining here is that in a few months, you'll be rid of your partner for a while. He would've succumbed to tennis elbow after long hours hacking at the wind.

Note: To avoid any affront to the reader's self respect, the illustrations attribute all actions and omissions to the partner.